Why Women's Work is never Done

For something on the more humorous side, click here and Dr. Daria will tell you why busy women can never take a day off.

I hate drama

Hate it, hate it, hate it. It upsets me and is ugly.
It actually happened to another person but it still bothers me. I followed some links and found some mean-spirited people making snotty comments about others and saying things like "if so and so only had 15 readers on her blog it's no great loss if they're gone, is it?" I think I went to high school with clones of these people. Self centered evil scum. I remember cutting myself because of people with attitudes like this. I remember bruising myself. But most of the bruises are on the inside.
I'd consider having 15 readers a triumph and if they all decided they hated me, that would be devastating. I can't form real friendships but I get hurt when my half-friendships fade away too.
I wish these mean spirited drama bastards would fall in a pit of sewage where they belong and get flushed. I really hate people like this. Bunch of judgmental little Hitlers. People like that are the reason that no-one will ever really know me. What I really am is and will always remain protected. This world is too dangerous for such a creature.

The Psyche Purges Under the Spell of Phobos

Very sensitive revelation and possibly triggering. Sex abuse issues. Please read with compassion if at all and comment with tact.

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The mind tries to understand that which was done at such an early age that there is no chance for a clear memory and some things of which there are a clear memory. I hate the sickness that vomits from the psyche while I sleep. This does not belong to who I am or how I behave. This belongs to some part of me that was wounded a long time ago. Something that feels like it's been rolled in dog shit and can never be clean. It knows sickness so it dreams sickness into my mind to let me know it is still there.

In my waking life I am heterosexual. I'm not sexually attracted to women. Seeing a naked woman fills me with utter neutrality. But because of things done at a young age (eight in this case) I am at times (not all the time) drawn to watching images of people of the same sex engaged in sexual activity, either male or female, but of the same sex. I am not homophobic and on a logical level have no problem with such activity and most of the time I can see it without it either arousing or disgusting me. But sometimes a disturbing thing happens and I have to see it over and over as if to try and understand the feelings that happened when being violated that I did not want. This will still be somewhat cryptic, I am not comfortable revealing the entirety. As I did then there is a feeling from part of my psyche of being aroused and sickened and filled with self hate.

I had a dream of meeting this couple and agreeing to go with them somewhere so we could have sex. First of all I have not had sex in nearly 10 years by choice and do not intend to ever again. I really don't like it much. I am not the sort of person who wants sex outside a committed relationship and given my psychological and physical problems, I am never so miserable as when I am in a relationship. I choose abusive partners. By choice, I am celibate and shall remain so and DO NOT CARE TO EXPLAIN MY REASONING FURTHER, SO DON'T ASK! Also, please respect me enough to not heap guilt on me or torture me with that drecky "just open your heart and you'll find someone" crap. I don't believe it, don't want it, don't want to discuss it, don't fucking even ask!

Even if I were looking for a partner, I would not be looking in a bar, nor having sex with someone I just met. I have never had group sex and do not care to. It almost happened once more than 20 years ago with two males but before anything could really happen I became so sick I had to go vomit. In this dream, however, I wanted to go with these people. I didn't find either of them particularly attractive. The guy was generic and the woman was disturbing in that although she was obviously an adult she had a very childlike appearance. Very small, less than 5 feet tall with very little in the way of adult development. Pretty much flat chested although the nipples were developed like those of an adult, and she had a prominent rear. She had that very light blonde hair like children sometimes do. I realize now that this could pretty much describe the way I looked at the age of nine. I hated when my breasts started to develop. I despised my hips. The fair hair had become darker by the time I was nine, but I had it when I was a very young child, less than six, which is when the molesting at the hands of an adult male happened. The female molesters at age 8 were actually my own age.

Thus, although the woman in the dream had an adult's face she had the body of a child who is starting to mature and the hair coloring of a very young child. In the dream I was groping at her in some sort of generic adult movie bisexual fantasy fashion as the guy watched. When I woke up, I was ill. If I were going to behave sexually with a woman, I would choose one that had fully mature development, not one whose body still resembled that of a just-pubescent child. This dream disgusted me and I was sick at myself for a long time. I had it more than a month ago and just now started to figure out that my psyche was puking out information from the buried part of myself that has not healed from the abuses. This shit still effects my life on every level at times, and I hate that!

Dad's Dementia worse

Went to visit my father at the nursing home yesterday where he is for 10 days of "rehab." He's a lot worse, mentally speaking. He believes that he got out of bed by himself this morning. It takes two people to help him up, in fact, and a third to push from behind to get him to a standing position. I doubt he'll ever walk again. Also, he has no impulse control. I took a picture of the bruise on his leg from when he had the fall in case it comes to a court battle with the insurance company who is holding to the position that he didn't need to go to the hospital. He thought nothing of just raising up his gown and letting things all hang out for the world to see. My mother was embarrassed by his behavior. I said "don't worry, it's not as if I haven't seen that equipment before in my line of work." I told her the joke that I'd seen at work. "If you've seen more penises than any prostitute, you must be a nurse." He got upset and started swearing about something. One of the aides was in the room. My mother admonished him for "using language like that in front of this lady." Of course we know that the aide is used to it, working with demented patients, but my mother wanted to gently remind him that it was inappropriate, full well knowing that he won't really remember.
She was gone for a while to talk to one of the nurses and my father started getting upset. He kept insisting that "this morning I swung my legs out of bed by myself." I again said "don't do it without assistance." He was starting to get upset with me so I went and found my mother.
It's like dealing with a giant two year old. And he won't get any better. For all intents and purposes, my father is already gone. We joke about the things he does because it's too hard otherwise. My son is going to be very disturbed to see him this way. I think being young and healthy it frightens him to see someone deteriorating in this fashion. I said to my mother "this was always the shit that happens to other people and you feel sorry for them. Now it's happening to us."
What is going to be done is to get a hospital bed and put it in the dining room, which has big windows overlooking the mountains. He will have to have 24 hour homecare. With good care he might live another 5 years--but it isn't living, it's existing. And it's horrible.
Sometimes death really is the preferable option.

Oh sob...

The great romance is over. I don't know what possessed me (other than having zero tolerance for bullshit at this time) but I broke it off with Charles and wrote him this letter:

Charles (if that really is your name)

The one thing in life I cannot abide is a bullshitter. Don't email me again, your mails are routed straight to my trash. In this case I can't be content to just politely cut you off because your approach to me was beyond trashy. Next time you go fishing for a green card, at least bother to read the person's profile. When you started with the "sexy" bullcrap, I thought you were just one of those guys that thinks every female is flattered by being called sexy. Then I started thinking you were just straight up whack. Then I realized what you were up to and the way you had stereotyped me, and it really pissed me off and I can't let it go without saying something.

Get this through your head before you go bothering some other woman who has better things to do. Not every older woman is desperate. Not every heavyset woman lacks self respect. And for fucks sake, at the very least look at their profile! When it says "in a relationship" and "not interested in cybersex" that does not translate to "desperate fat middle aged woman asking to be fucked over by sleaze looking for green card." For me, being middle aged and heavyset are not a reason to allow myself to be used by any con artist that comes along, they are simply a fact of life. Too bad for you that you hit on someone who had the brains to see through your shit, and who wouldn't have been interested even if you were just psycho and desperate. Do not bother me again. I have better things to do than waste my time on scam artists.

Lily

Update

Update on my father--and the stomach turmoil due to my eating the spicy ribs for lunch--here.

Stal-ker!

I would normally never reveal what someone wrote me in an email, but very few people read this blog (which is hidden from my profile and is blocked from spidering by search engine bots) and I do not intend to waste my time with this clown. He is someone who made a friend request when he found my MySpace profile. Apparently he only saw that I was female, not bothering to see "in a relationship" and "don't bother me with cyber-sex, I couldn't be less interested.

He initially seemed cool enough which is why I approved his friendship request and told him it was cool if he emailed me. This was his first email. No red flags. I figured he just thought I seemed like someone he'd be comfortable "talking" to.

Hello how are You Doing today i am charles by name and am 180 cm 5' 10.9" ,my weight is 68 kg 150 lbs hair colour is black and am good looking guy am 30years old, i am Original From Holland ,my both Parent come from there and my Dad work as a gas station i was a little boy when i lost my both parent and it was so painful,i am single guy with no kid and i am honest and a kind Of guy that do cherish human being alot,well i work at Bolton oil company ..When i lost my both Parent i went to live in CA,in fresno it was a Nice place to be and i like it there..well my company Brought me down here for a services since about 1years plus and i always busy with my work i don't have anytime to chat on here i am Newly on here as well ,my company brought me down here for a services and am about to Resign my job cos always i do busy alot no time to chase woman and i have been tired Of been lonely i work under the water and before i can cut each Pipe of oil under the water i spend almost 1hours under the water and it was to Hard ,the only thing my company Provide for me is shelter and clothes,storage and i don't lack Of food,well sweety i am looking for a soulmate and honest lady that i will spend the rest Of my life with and someone that would not play with my relationship at all time and i need a Pure mind lady that will be there for me and the one that will not cheat on me,well i like meeting new People all over the world and make a Friends lol.. i am about to Resign and settle down for a happy family home and i don't want to get hurt anymore cos am in longdistance and i need aTrustworthly and good caring lady to come to my Life ....My company have not been paying me yet they said untill i finished the services here in west african when i get back to the state then they will paid me all the Funds and i settle down ...Well i am very happy and glad to Meet you and i will like to Know More about you as well maybe we could be More..have a nice day and splended Night

I guess I didn't catch the "maybe we could be more" thing as anything but less than perfect English skills. I wrote him this reply:

Hi Charles,
Nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your parents. My mother is in good health but my father is not doing very well. His health is declining lately. He had a stroke four years ago that left him partially paralyzed on the right side and has had lots more problems since.
I went to California once, when I was 16 years old. My parents, brother and I visited San Diego. It was really beautiful, and the sight of me in a swim suit was not nearly as scary then as it would be now...heh!
Your work sounds pretty intense. I work in a retirement community on the night shift. Outside of that I work on writing and trying to find ways to make money for myself and my son, who will be going to college this fall.
Meeting the right person--that's a tough one. I've no doubt that you will eventually. You seem to have a positive attitude. The important thing is to find someone who not only looks good but IS good. I was married for 11 years. I get along all right with my ex husband as a friend but we weren't good for each other as a couple. However we have our son, and that is a great thing. We will always be family because of that.
Me, I'm an old fat broad with gray hair. I like to write, cook, walk my dogs, eat good food (a little too much of it!) and play puzzle games. I like making friends with nice people but am glad that my guy-chasing days are behind me. Just thinking about it makes me tired any more!
I have a younger brother (39 years old) who is a real life hero, in my opinion. He is a firefighter, a paramedic, and a SWAT medic. It takes a really special kind of person to do those things, I think. He lives in Arizona. I wish we lived closer to each other because we are great friends, but I'm glad I'm not in Arizona right now. Too hot!
Hope you're doing all right, and hope you're having a good day. Feel free to write again.
Best wishes,
Lily

And I received this in return:
Hello Sexy Angel Lily!!!
How are you doing today and it's nice and Pleasure to hear back From You and u really seem wanted and a nice lady,i am very happy and glad to meet you as well,how is life treating you there and family ..how is work there and your son ,hope all is well with you there and how is your mom and sorry to hear about your dad stroke it was so painful to hear that From You and am shock about your dad pains ,how was your growing up years,well you really sound cool and i guess you have a sense Of humour,well i have been looking forward to have a Nice Conservation thought with You Tonight maybe we could be More than this..do u care for chatting and and do u live alone,how do u cope with house work, Are u single and how long have you been on internet stuff,what is your ethnic background,do u ever believe in love at first sight..well i will happy and glad to hear back From You and i will like to chat with you sometimes if you don't Mind,You seem to be intersting and i bet you all guys around u there would be chasing u up and down with Your sweet word and sense Of humour,You are looking great i must confess and i will like to get in touch with You One day...i have to go for a Break now and i get back Online later and read back Fro You,hope you have a great day and Splended Night i will miss ya alot and i will be thinking about you as well take good care Lily and see you later in the day , stay cool and be bless
Charles cares alot

Well,stupid me, I thought (hoped) he was perhaps one of those guys that figured every woman likes to be complimented by being called "sexy" but I thought I'd try to dissuade him while maintaining politeness, so I said:
Hi Charles,
Me sexy? Hm...I'm about as sexy as a flannel nightgown! But thanks anyway. I tend to cope with housework by hoping the elves will come in and do it, but they are lazy bastards and haven't shown up so far. My cats aren't much better. They just lay around and day after day the housework doesn't get done. Rats!
I don't get into the chat thing much. When I'm not physically working at my job I'm either trying to sleep or working on my next book or fixing a meal for myself, son and Bruce the Jackal (my editor and room mate.)
I grew up in a town that might as well have been called Peyton Place for all the gossip that went on there. Someone was always spreading rumors about someone else. There were plenty of rumors about me, none of them true, but I didn't care much about trying to convince people otherwise. Whatever they were going to think they were going to think it.
In fourth grade we actually studied Holland. It sounds like a beautiful country. I always wanted to visit there but outside of the United States, I have only been to Canada and Mexico. What area did you come from in Holland, country or city?
I don't know if I believe in love at first sight. I think there is someone for everyone but I think people really need to get to know each other first. There have been times in my life when I really thought someone would be wonderful but when I got to know more about him I would think "damn, I pity the fool that ends up as his girlfriend!"
As to my ancestry I'm mostly of European extraction (Lithuanian, Scotch-Irish, German) but also have some Cherokee blood on my mother's side. My pasty pale complexion doesn't really show it. Before my hair turned gray it was kind of a putrid dirty dishwater color, so I dyed it all kinds of other colors. The one very freeing thing about getting older is one doesn't worry so much about looks. I'd rather be remembered for my accomplishments than for being a "babe," which sure as hell ain't gonna happen at my stage of things! I also find myself looking forward to being a grandma, but my son is only 18 now, so I hope he waits a few years and gets his bachelor's before starting a family. I had him when I was 25 and I felt completely at sea, but he turned out great. I can't imagine having a kid at a younger age than that, but I know plenty of people that have them when they're older and they still aren't really ready.
Well, I do need to go accomplish some things before the boss wonders what she's paying me for. Take care.
Lily

I did not add GET A FUCKING CLUE!!!! But it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. His next reply was this (please get your barf bag ready, or have a trash can handy)

Hello Sweetie Pie,
Mmmm that sounds lovely to hear from you and so amazing too..well u are welcome..Oooh why can't you do it urself then,are you not a woman if it seems they are not coming to you in time,then u have to do by urself and stop been lazy too..Oooh ok...Thats nice then and besides i can see you a very hard working woman and u also a woman of principal and policy,i like that in woman,A woman who knows what she doing and the right and left of life that must be a capable woman..so how are they doing and how is everything with them now sweetie..guess they are really doing alright and much more!!..Hmmm Lily if u don't do anything they won't be spreading rumors on you,so what did you do,Though am not interested in gossips Or words of mouth and what people says about anyone else,so am against the motion sweetie of gossips and rumors and also dislike hearing it as well....Ooh ok,well those country are a lovely countries too canada and mexico and they not far from USA, well am from west michagan in holland and its really nice and beautiful continent and i know u gonna love it when u come over but u can Cuz am not there anymore and am out of that country,so am now in westafrican Nig,as i told you from the first mail i sent you about me,If u could remember sweetie..Though am not much interested on my been here but i wish to relocate and the only wishest place i love most is USA but i don't have any family in here,so that why am here seeking for a woman out there in state whom to love and beloved and then that will be the suject of my relocating but i guess we both have alot and the same in common,so let give this a chance and see where it lead us to....Why won't you know hunnie,Oooh u not a kid anymore and u should have detect that from you at the first sight,well as u can see,i felt for you at the first sight and that what kept me going on you..well u right people need to know each other better before another things else...Hmm lol..Oooh really thats brilliant of you..Wonderful hunnie,i guess u are mixture..Yeah sure,well days and night count for you and sooner Or later u will be but time shall tell..U just don't need to rush urself anyway...Thats really a competent of you but now i can see you are full of happy to have a kids at ur younger age and its really compliment..Yeah u right but those are some people and u should need to look at them anyway and now u have done urs and the child is now becoming a man and soonest he will be the man of him self,so then u will be able to stand as a grandma,is that not so?!!..Mmmm U sounds really funny hunnie,Are you really a funny pecular,though i guess..well i need to go off to and get some domestic things done at home too but i will be here waiting to read back from you soonest..see ya and stay blessed sweetie pie..Missing You Right Here But Am Still Here Thinking About You and Also Pondering About you..Stay Blessed and Remain Cool!!!!!!!!

As to this fell for me at first sight crap, this guy has never seen a picture of me. I don't even have one on my profile. But I'm going to put a couple on their now. Old fat broad giving the devil horns in one and the flip off in another. With my luck that will get a thousand of these yahoos after me though! But having received this after hearing the news about my father (see post below) I was in no mood to pander to some half baked robo-dork who sits at the computer and types with one hand while...well, let's not go there! My final letter to him was this (commentary that I didn't actally write but thought it is in italics:)

Charles,
Listen, I'm sure you're an ok guy,
(Seriously dude, you sound totally half baked and need help even more than I do. You're totally creeping my ass out, man!)

but I have way too much going on in my life right now and I am not interested in flirting with people I don't even know. I've already got a man
(even if just in my dreams, and he sure ain't you!)

and even if I didn't I am quite uncomfortable with being called sweetie pie and the like by a person I don't know well.
(For fuck's sake, what would possess you to start in like this on someone who never expressed the merest iota of any sort of non-platonic basic charitable concern??)

I'm fine with casual friendships with people but please, if you want to communicate with me, keep the conversation to a level that you would use when talking to your sister or your mother. That is, no baby, sweetie pie, angel, sexy, or any of that sort of thing. I am not interested in cyber-sex, cyber-romance, or anything else of that nature.
(What part of my profile did you read, Moron? The part that said "female" and nothing else? Obviously!!!!)

If this strikes you as rude, I am sorry,
(no, I'm actually not)

but I wish to make it clear that you are barking up the wrong tree and should find someone who is interested.
(And if anyone is, she may be crazier than you! Oh yeah--and I pity the fool!)

Lily

I have not heard back from him, but like a fart, the stinkers always linger way longer than you want them to. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if I do.

Gotta love it...

So this big headline at the top of my G-mail account says:
OWEN WILSON SUICIDE!
Actor Owen Wilson suicide attempt. More info with Celebrity Toolbar!
Like this is all cool and happenin' or something.

Yep, those suicide attempts--always good for a little gossip. After all, what's more wonderful than good old fashioned exploitation after all?

From one person with bipolar to another (like he's gonna see this) I hope you feel better, Owen.

Sure must be hard to deal when your personal problems are splattered all over the media.

Update on my dad

So it has been discovered that my father's quadricep is 75% torn away from the knee. My mother thinks the tear might have started before the fall happened and made it even worse because on the Sunday before the fall when he stood up he suddenly hollered and said that his left thigh was hurting. Now, here is the rub. The insurance will not pay for surgery unless the quad completely separates from the thigh.

WTF??????

The surgeons don't want to operate on him because due to his heart condition he may not survive the surgery.

Which effectively leaves him bed-bound. That is not life, it is only existing. Amoebas have a better life than that. Bed-bound means eventual bed sores and probably dying of pneumonia. His mind is going as it is and being bed-bound means less cognitive stimulation than ever. He had to ask me the name of the city I've lived in for 7 years. When my son was talking to him about the time they went fishing when my son was 12 and he caught a fish, my father couldn't remember the event, which at the time he was so proud of that he took a picture and we still have that picture.

Everyone grieves in their own way. My son says he wishes my father would die now so his soul could be free to remember the things that meant so much at one time. My son said "if it were me, I'd rather someone would smother me than to keep living like that."

I would tend to agree. There's a big difference between existing and living. My father is not living. I wish they would go ahead and do the surgery because if he survived and got through rehab, for whatever time he has left he would at least be more comfortable.

Their way is fucked, if you ask me!

I wish I could cry but I just get pissed off. But me and Alice Cooper never cry. I cry at weird times, like in the shower and all of a sudden over nothing, usually not about whatever's going on that's bad. My psyche is so fucking scrambled it doesn't even know how to react sometimes.

I'm going to go work on something to keep myself from going crazy and order myself a sandwich to keep myself from eating my own arm. Luckily The Mine delivers late!

I'll give you a little video with my man Alice Cooper, the world's sanest crazy man. Alice the character only gets let out on stage and it's a good thing. I got someone like that inside me too. I can't let her out, except in writing. She'd do shit like gouge open the skin with her nails and paint the walls with blood, keep skeletons in her room, and who knows what else. People might even die. It ain't pretty. If you have an inner psychotic, you have to choose when to let them out. Great for performance and horror fiction. Not too cool for real life. The inner psycho can destroy the person they belong to. Keep that sucker caged except in times where they can add to the art or you'll probably end up dead or in jail. As someone with an inner psycho, that's my two cents worth.

Alice's inner psycho is my inner psycho's hero. And Alice the person is one of my heroes. In all honesty the original story that the book grew from like a fungus would never have happened if it wasn't for him. One of my major characters in the book is somewhat based on Alice Cooper the stage persona. But you'll have to read the book if you want to figure out which one!

Take it, Alice!

Clue Impaired

Look if you want to at my "My Space" profile--another vehicle for attempting to sell the book and my psychic readings. Look in the sidebar where it says that I am "in a relationship" and am there for "friends and networking." Does this indicate someone who is looking for a significant other?

There's a dude whose friendship request I approved, figuring that he could read and understand basic English and therefore got the jist that "in a relationship" and "here for friends and networking" means "not looking for online flirtations." But nooooooo. After replying politely and non-flirtatiously to his email (in which it initially became apparent that he is NOT all there and English being a second language is not an excuse) I emphasized my motherly and professional nature. In his reply he referred to me as "sexy angel." Dear sweet mother of mercy! When 30 year old men become desperate enough to hit on matronly 43 year old women that clearly want nothing to do with that sort of thing, it can only mean one thing. This fellow is terminally clue impared. I am not the sort to rudely tell people to fuck off in most instances, but I must make it plain. I have neither the time nor the desire for this nonsense and he needs to take his propositions of romance elsewhere. I am not flattered, and because of his denseness I can't even bother to be creeped out. I'm more perplexed than anything else.

what it is

My father is in the hospital. He had a bad fall about 3 weeks ago. Severe pain now in the left thigh with no discernible cause. His cognition is much worse too. We all think he had another small stroke. He is supposed to have a month's worth of rehab. This will at least give my mother some respite. I'm not sure how much can really be done for him at this point. His kidneys aren't real good either and he has heart problems. It's all going south. This is part of the reason I'm not sleeping too good and I tend to turn to food when I am stressed. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight if I keep stuffing food in my face. Damn shit for brains idiot!
I know I don't want advice and I'm not even sure I want sympathy. It is what is. That's all. In the eyes of the Universe it's neither good nor bad. The Universe is not a kind and friendly place and the powers that be give not two shits for any of us or our vain suffering. Sorry, but that's how I've come to feel about the whole mess.
In better news I found some funny, funny shit that must be seen--and heard--to be believed.